Little one, your love gets me through
The first year having a baby is an emotional roller coaster. My little guy and his needs have come before mine: my need to feel connected to my husband as deeply as we once were, my need to see family and friends and socialize as we once did, my need for new clothes even.
Reflecting back on year one as he approaches 11-months-old, I’m certain that these personal needs will resurface and gain some priority, someday.
I’ll realize that, without focusing on myself at all, I’ll have little to offer anyone. Perhaps I’ve begun to recognize such already.
But in this meantime, in this transitional year, as I grow from a selfish, sometimes immature young woman to a nurturing mother… as I grow from a new wife to the glue that bonds our family unit… as I struggle to balance being a good friend, good employee, good wife, and good daughter with being the most ideal mom I can fathom, there’s a little somebody who deserves a lot of gratitude:
For smiling at me, for hugging me, for silently, unintentionally reassuring me every single damn day.
For loving me.
When I struggle to love myself.
When I’m crying in the shower.
When I imagine dad has lost interest in me.
When fatigue wins.
When irritability gets the best of me.
When anxieties prevail.
When I feel alone.
When I am alone.
When the jeans won’t zip.
When my hair started loosening.
When I’m bare-faced.
When I miss my family.
When I miss my friends.
When I miss my youth.
When I reminisce.
When I feel guilty.
When I treat myself.
When I feel guilty for treating myself.
When you’re in the backseat.
When you humor me.
When you agree to be preoccupied so I can clean the house.
Clean my face.
Cleanse my emotions.
Cleanse my soul.
When I recharge. Start fresh. Erase the board.
Your smile. The gleam in your eye. The love you have for me. It’s undeniable, as is the love I have for you, my precious little boy. I love you more than you could ever know.
Thank you, thank you, a million times over. Your love, that smile, your warmth.
You get Mommy through.